Blood Bowl – Not who they seem to be.

Elves by any role playing game, fantasy fiction or computer game will no doubt be light footed, whispy characters with ever lasting life and an agility cat’s can only dream about. Sometimes I question these sources and wonder if the writers ever played Blood Bowl because this team were quite the opposite of their sterotpe cousins. The Flashing Fens woodelf team were up next for match 3.

Elves and their wind based instruments. What is wrong with a plain old bone drumset I ask you?

The first illusion I should ruin for you is that this team does not ever “flash”, during the entire time the Skull Takers spent ripping them apart, the only flashing that went on was the flash of pain that swept over them before slipping into unconciousness.

Now that TooNu got over his confidence problem from the last match against the now not so Bright Crusaders his tactics were simplified and refined. Elves being sneakky agile gits can’t get through if you just make a large enough wall. And so we have the Solid meat shield formation.

The meat shield is simple, the guys in RED at the front are the strongest of the Skull Takers and sit as obvious tackle bait on the line of scrimmage. While the guys in GREEN off the scrimage line act as 'Go to where needed' types while giving a fairly comprehensive tackle zone on the right and left sides.

As you can see here the tacklezones work great, and now we have our second illusion ruined. The agility of Elves is often regarded to as godlike. Able to weave in and out of trouble with little or no worries of being caught. They don’t wear large suits of armor, or extra padding because their speed and agility act as their major source of defence. Well, try telling that to this guy as in the first turn he tries to jump past a pair of Beastmen who bring him down embarrisingly in front of this team mates.

No, you are meant to lightly jump over and pirouette in the air, land on your feet and do it all with a smirk. Not land on your face and look like a twat.

A few fights later and some rather hasty attempts at ball control the Elven team slip a catcher through the wall of demons and into the far back of the half. A Beastmean drops back to cover him, if it is one common piece of knowledge that all Blood Bowl players know, it’s that the elven passing game is their strongest weapon. By not covering the catcher, you risk letting them score an easy touchdown.

The GREEN beastman covers the RED Catcher. The catcher moves 3 or 4 spaces more than the Beastman who moves 6, so keeping a beastman close is important. Try to place them in the possible throwing arc for a chance at intercepting the ball.

The third illusion of elves is that their accuracy and finesse with a bow is unequalled in all of the world, they can snipe a bug off a fleeing stags hindquarters at 200 meters and not scratch the flesh of the beast with the arrow. So here we have a prime example by an Elf on how not to do it.

And of all interceptionists, a Chaos warrior probably makes the worst due to their complete lack of finesse or speed. Suprising isn't it?

The first half went as expected. The elves tried to use their skill and ability at ball control, but kept running into something big and scary instead. Frequently an Elf would slip through the defence but be brought right down by some beastmans horns after a triumphant turn of “all head, ramming speed!”. Occasionally the Flashing Fens players fought back, not that it did them any good.

A fairfight by Chaos rules.

The Fens were not able to keep the ball in their possesion long enough to do any good with, and the one time the Skull Takers took the game seriously for a moment was far too late. Their coach TooNu screamed at Gnar’nogor a beastman to run with the ball and score a bloody touchdown, and though possible…given that the half was 9 turns and not 8, he had to settle for a near touchdown, which in some leagues like the Halflings and Goblins leagues, is good enough. Gnar’nogor instead opted to help his team mates in beating down an elf that came too close.

Luckily for the Elf, Gnar'nogor mistook elven flesh, for his own and fell flat on his face with a howl of pain.

The half came to an end and some stern words were spoken by coach TooNu and he was largely ignored as the players dug into a troll fan who came looking for autographs. A word of caution, half-time is not the correct time to approach a chaos warrior who is looking for his half-time blood sacrifice to his false gods. Infact, no time is a good time to approach a chaos warrior no matter how busy he is. And with every player no settled and ready for another go at them elves, the lockerroom blood bucket was spilled, the beastmen howled up a storm and the chaos warriors stood around looking a bit scary. The second half was about to begin.

Cheerleaders, you have got to love them. I knew that by raiding and stealing some females from the city of Middenheim we would have the crowd cheering for us at every match.

With the crowd firmly on the Takers side the confidence of the Elven players began to hit an all time low. Judgement and ability were right out and instead left nothing but fail after fail and mistake after mistake. Just like this guy who stumbled into 3 opposing players.

It's true, Chaos teams always fight fair...by their standards.

What happened next was a bit strange. Coach TooNu shouted something very offensive that sounded like “GET HIM OFF!! mmmffrmmpph…KILL HIM!!..mmm..OFF!! mrmmrp..KIL….mmrrmmhpp..IM!!”, if it wasn’t for a beastman trying to cook coach TooNu in a large pot of boiling water and several body parts from the crowd I am sure the chaos warrior would have understood that coach TooNu was not reffering to his team mate on the field, but infact the Beastman he was being assaulted by. Instead the Chaos warrior took a swing at his fellow chaos warrior knocking him on his back, dazed and confused.

Chaos warriors are paid for their brawn, not their brains.

The beastmen on the other side of the pitch however decided that enough was enough. Killing and maiming while very good fun, doesn’t win games. And so a hastly put together plan was acted out before the game came to a close. Firstly a charge was carried out to send an Elven lineman flying backwards, he was lucky to avoid any harm but the job was done, the elf was out of the way.

A plan of many stages, each involving hitting an elf.

the beastmen quickly set up tackle zones and a small covering wall with which the ebastman with the ball could run behind. The elves understood what was going to happen and so lept from their positions and ran with all haste to the far rightside of the field. One more failed dodge proved to be too much for one Elf as he tripped up on a Beastmans fist and landed neck first into the turf, breaking his neck and removing him from the game.

1. Hit an elf and watch him incase he moves. 2. Remove an elf from the game by hitting him hard. 3. Run straight at an Elf so he either falls down underneath you or moves out of the way. 4. Gaze out at the open plains from where you grew up as a small Beastman...and then run it home for a point!

Seeing this the elven thrower hurled himself down the bottom of his half to intercept the ball carrier for one final opportunity of touchdown denial. His gods were not with him however, a furious charge forced him to give up his ground leaving a clear path for the Beastman to run down, with only 2 more turns remaining his confidence that this was the winning turn gave us all a ratehr special touchdown celebration. That’s right, the ,”I did it on purpose” trip up and over the endzone maneuver.

He really meant to do that, honest he did.

With nothing really happening in the final 2 turns except a few fights and a bit of pushing from the Flashing Fens, the game came to a finish. 1- 0 The Skull Takers.

Well, it doesn't look like the crowd enjoyed this one...if the Skull Takers would just stop eating them perhaps by the end of the match some spectators would be remaining.

Clearly biting himself was a clever move by Gnar'nogor as it wins him the MVP award from the commentators.

With the last league match done the play offs for the Clean cup remain. That is 2 whole matches with which to win, first we must play the Orcs again.


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