EvE – Inevitable things.

EvE expands at a varying rate each year. Some years we get 2 expansions that add extra things to the game, some years we get things that add extra flavour to the EvE client such as new servers (graphics, sound etc), some years we get major changes to current mechanics, some years we get lot’s of extra ships and things to play with in game.

Good or bad, we get 2 major expansions a year and there are always 3 tribes of people that are affected by whatever the expansion has just done.

Tribe 1 the Doom Sayers. People who dislike the changes or can see how it will ruin the game and bring nothing but shit and vomit into their game. They come at you with numbers and graphs and comparrisons and all sorts of bollocks to support their claims that the game is now ruined.

Tribe 2 the meh guys. Meh guys generally don’t care as it doesn’t really affect them, they couldn’t give a flying shit if it was implemented or not and they like to tell you this so you know that they don’t care. Almost like an Emo hanging outside McDonalds, they don’t want you to see them but you can’t fucking avoid it because they are so very obvious.

Tribe 3 the oh come on guys. This tribe is particular in how it shows it’s opinion. Firstly they will be pro-active towards the expansion, following it up with a selection of possitivty to show you how it isn’t so bad and you need to re-evaluate your opinion here, this is followed by glowing ass-suckery towards CCP and finished off by more pro-activity. Opptimistic to the bitter end and refuses to see any negativity.

Well, we get 2 major expansions a year and some several smaller patches that change things here and there but despite how much common sense you might think you are beaming towards the developers of our internet spaceship game you have to remember the wheels are allready in motion. Anything that may come out has probably allready been thought about and planned for and started. So here is what I think is most likely to happen to our game.


JON BON JOVE. Will include the Jovian race as a playable race for you to choose. It will have the various types of Jove race for us to choose from in both Male and female styles. It will also include ships from the Jovian catalogue which will include several REALLY great ships that will wtffacemelt the existing ships into oblivion. This will of course be overly corrected in a patch afterwards and they will become useless bags of shit.

The Jove ships and equipment won’t be true Jove technology and instead will be hybrid tech so we the players forgo the existing technology in favor of only using one races stuff. This is a sad fact but if the Jove tech really is awesome it will have to be so much better than the current stuff so a hybrid of tech is the only logical conclussion. Which is why Jove technology will be implimented into the game leaving everything else in the dust like level 60 epics. (omfg you did not go there).

This expansion will include several other things we don’t need so much but improves CCP as a company so expect thngs like…touchscreen technology and fuckin..I dunno, voice activated modules or some stupid shit.

Everything you wanted fixed will not be included in this expansion but the Legion will get “reimagined” and become the only T3 anybody flies.


Walking with Jesus is a great expansion, probably the best yet. CCP need to expand and to do new things with their company to encourage growth which encourages investors which encourages bank managers to agree to certain things that makes certain VP’s, CEO’s, MD’s and all the upper echelon of a company very happy. Making EvE more avatar based removes the, “so that spaceship is me? that is my character?…and your character is exactly the same?”. No more of this will ever be said. And who says things like that?

Girlfriends and wives say that because you have asked them to try EvE and it didn’t wash did it? no of course it didn’t. No clothing, no body, no clothing, no accesories, no gear, no clothing nothing that resembles the real world in a fantasy enviroment. CCP want a piece of your better half and this is their attempt at luring them in. Oh hey, if you are a female reading this I am sorry…ok I’m not, at all.

SIMs in space but more adult looking and less jibber jabber sims style, what the hell does “uulungala!” mean anyway? Along with walking with Jesus you get the ability to own property on spacestations which you rent out and make look all nice and stuff by picking from predetermined layouts and colors. You won’t get customisation just yet so your dream bar won’t be possible and just so you know, everyone is making a bar or a strip club so why leave to go to anyone elses if yours is just as good?

I dunno if this property can earn you ISK or not, if it does it will be very little ISK but I think it would be more for fun anyway.

Again, no bugs and broken shit you wanted fixed will be fixed but the Black Ops will get the ability to use the covert ops cloak…HAHAH no it won’t.

The revelations screen revealed this clever title, it's almost EvE like isn't it? yea it is! No you shut up!!

Grafixala will be the expansion where everything in the current universe gets removed and new models get put in. That is the planets, the stars, the blackness, the gas clouds, the stations, the ships, the modules, the portraits, the everything you can ever see in game…will be changed. The graphic patch will be absolutly massive and will take an entire week to implement properly as the server crashes constantly and things go wrong but hey see after that week? it will be awesome.

Things you dream about will suddenly be a reality. The Machariel will have big guns on it that will look like they should be there. The Proteus will look good no matter how you fit it. The Drake will look even bigger and even more flat and stupid but it will be allright because it’s the Drake and everyone loves the Drake. Things like, modules being online will actually give off effects and not just some aura around your ship. Missile launchers guys! actual missile launchers that move and everything!!

Ship decals, custom colors to your ships and hangar and everything can be painted if you own it. Hello Kitty Kestrel and Apocalypse are now viable options.

What a wonderous patch it will be. And you will only have to upgrade your rig to run it. Seriously though, see upgrading your PC, you really ought to do that every now and again just save up a bit of cash and invest in new tech so you can see things that look great all the time and not be some slow boating left behind person. Ok?

Not only GFX but new ships to. The T2 variant on the last BC And BS for each race in game will be available. T2 Rokh ladies and gents, a T2 Hyperion. Can you imagine something so amazing as that? No you can’t because see if you could, you would be something else like a god or a mythical being, inventing new colors and such like. No, the T2 BC and T2 BS will never happen because it would just spoil you.

Here we go, vindication and justice to the EvE player at long last!!!

Players that write long winded posts on the EvE-o forums rejoice! We’re well sorry is here at last. A patch that includes everything broken in EvE fixed at last and they listened to the players, they actually hire Akita and Chribba to work out everything industry wise that is broken and they fix everything. Invention is awesome now and you can totally get rich.

Ships that needed more PG and CPU get what they need, turret and missile launcher slots get worked out on ships that never use either or. Rockets FINNALY have a place in EvE and it is not in the reprocessing plant, oh no no no, they are amazing and everyone wants to use them now so each rocket now costs 10x what they are worth now.

Black ops can covert cloak. More sub systems for T3. More mining vessels and equipment. The UI is sorted out at last. There is no more lag. Faction warfare now has an actual point. Low sec is great for piracy and PvP. Scotty the dock manager pulls his finger out. Joining a fleet is instant and no longer gives you a 30 second waiting timer. There are no more hidden timers. Petitions don’t lag you out ever because there is no more lag!

Everything fixed! Everything is wonderfull!

Go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect 200 currency.

CCP decides that everything needs to go. The paintjob of EvE is kept in a special folder so it can’t be touched but the server is wiped clean. Every scrap of data is removed and gone forever with no going back. The new code for EvE is implemented and the paintjob is applied ontop of it so it still looks great but the code is now fresh and everything is now 100% virgin again.

Player data is removed, accounts are of course not removed but your ships and ISK and stuff is gone. Everybody starts again.

See it was too easy, everything became this great polished orb of splendour and happiness ruled over everything. Sure people were sad that they got blown up and ganked, lost millions to trading or whatnot but overall the feeling was of happyiess and game playing in an actual game that felt like a game. The old days of the granky space sim with it’s bullshit UI and old code with a fungus covering feel like they are long gone and indeed they are. This is EvE though, and CCP don’t want that. They don’t want the happiness and joy joy feelings you might be getting from expansion to expansion. They finally realised that be doing things right by the players, they made them happy, and by being happy people don’t try as hard and so their game became redundant and less challenging. CCP didn’t like this and so wiped the game, defraged the server and put on the new easy to use code with a fresh lick of paint.

The player base came back but it was half the number that the server had before at 1,000,000 players. 200k of these went to 0.0 straight away and began again, some for the first time ever but saw this as their only chance at being part of a future power bloc in 5 years time. The new BoB, NC and AAA. 100k went to low sec and started cartels dealing in drugs and piracy. Crime and various other gangster mechanics meant that they could turn low sec into the slum kingdoms they read about in comics or see in movies. 100k carebears went back to mission grinding and mining to keep the economy of EvE alive and flowing. They get ganked by the <Pimps> from low sec (the major alliance of all the low sec systems in game is finally realised) from time to time but the carebears just keep on going, the worker ants of EvE just trying to get through the day and make their ISK and have nice chats and things. The last 100k just sat in Jita and spammed local with stupid fucking contracts of obvious scams and obvious bullshit but because the server is awesome and clean Jita can take 100,000 morons so yey for that…


3 Responses to “EvE – Inevitable things.”

  1. 19/06/2010 at 2:52 pm

    Haha, most of it actually sounds awesome though, but you got a nice twist on it, nice post.

  2. 23/06/2010 at 12:25 pm

    Things I wish I knew, on a list:

    1. What the fuck Toonu is on, and where I can get some.

    2. What the fuck Toonu is on about.

    3. What the fuck Toonu.

  3. 3 Tony G
    03/12/2011 at 1:20 am


    I am slightly drunk on red wine (as usual) but I had to find this old post of yours. It occurred to me that CRUCIBLE is indeed the “WE’RE WELL SORRY” update!

    When the CCP CEO literally apologised for everything being wrong with EVE and promised to get everything fixed, I snorted milk out my nose. And NOW it actually seems to be happening!

    (Well, apart from FW maybe).

    Just little things like finding they’ve removed the 25% RoF penalty from destroyers makes me happy.

    Anyway. I hope you are getting on well mate. Give me a shout if you find yourself back in game. o7


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