EvE online, a not so Quick intro pt.4

To break the combo of metaphorical instruction I thought now would be an excellent time to wade into the black cancerous innards of EvE online and perhaps help you learn the greatest lesson now that there is perhaps a seed of enthusiasm sown into your eager little mind. It goes like this, everybody is out to screw you over. EvE is not a nice game full of nice boys and girls, I mean in the sense that to be nice in EvE is a rare commoditiy reserved for your friends; corp’ and alliance mates, and these last 2 are stretching that rule allready.

Everyone else in the universe can go to hell.

It is better stated that while being polite and friendly keeps your karma account in the green and you will find out that within your friend group/corporation/alliance it is a neccessary commodity, inevitably however you are going to cash it in for a big payout of ISK or LOL! Depends what sort of bastard you are really; perhaps you enjoy ruining somebodies day OVER profitting by it, I should let you work that one out.

Incidently, everyime I use the word people in the below examples, I am using the term loosely. (Fuckface/s would be what I actually have in mind.)

– Some people mission bait/mission grief other players by stalking you across the system, find where you are playing, invade your mission area and steal your loot encouraging you to shoot at them  which you do, so CONCORD police destroy YOUR ship for actively agressing somebody in high security space.

-This bastard did it on purpose.

Ninja salvagers, the loot whores of EvE

– Some people will sell a cheap lower end module while giving it the name of a much higher end module, advertising it as such in the local chat channel waiting for you to come along and buy it for 400million only to find that is worth 50k.

– This bastard did it on purpose.

For the un-initiated. the REAL item here is a Cap Recharger I blueprint worth 700,000isk. Advertised as a Cap Recharger II blueprint with an initial bid starting at 700 million and a buyout of 7 billion. If you buy this, I have a left handed chopping board to sell you.

– Some people destroy your beloved spaceship in high security space with a well timed suicide run taking out your very expensive modules, precious cargo, spirits and exotic dancer companion. Prime targets for this behaviour are AFK players who mine in the asteroid belts. The griefers do this for…excuse me while i debase myself here “the lolz”, little monetary gain is netted but mainly done for…and again “the lolz”.

-This bastard did it on purpose.

Many members of the local CONCORD police department investigate the ruins of a mining barge while dealing severe punishment to the offender in question. READ: A slap on the wrist and a "sod off you berk".

Some people will join your corporation, earn your trust over a long period, then one day empty the contents of your corp’ wallet and corp’ hangars then write a forum thread about it to show off. Yey to the new dawn of thievery.

– This bastard DEFINETLY did it on purpose.

Noah the dirty, no good, lousy, thief! ... and his Ark of stolen animals, 2 of each kind.

EvE more or less actively encourages this type of behaviour because 1) from a story stand point EvE is a gloriously open game in an ever expanding universe where theft, murder and corruption is an everyday occurance and chasing these criminals down is a near impossibility. The CONCORD police can only keep a certain number of systems safe (relativly). And 2) it is a game mechanic where YOU! the player is control of controlling your assests and space and as long as no game breaking deliberate circumventions of the EULA occur the GM’s of EvE will not do a thing about it. EvE is YOUR sandbox, it is YOUR game so deal with what happens and learn from your mistakes.

Sometimes it is easier to imagine just what would happen if a corp’ theft for example, was something that happened if EvE was real. The thief boards the biggest freighter he can find late one evening and he spends the next 3 hours prepping it by having cargoloaders fill the hold of said freighter with everything from the hangar. He then transfers the funds from the corp’ wallet into his personal account because he has the access rights to do so. He then flies the freighter away and hides in the far reaches of a far away system where the law can not find him.

The only person to blame is yourself for openly trusting somebody and so, nothing can be done about it besides declaring war on him or hiring bounty hunters/mercenaries to destroy him…oh and the ubiquitous forum thread of threats towards ‘John Starbastard’ (or whoever the thief may be) where you vow to utterly destroy him, yea right, because everybody is affraid of a mug like you.

You wouldn’t get away with this sort of behaviour in any other game. As far as I am aware EvE has so many areas to which screwing people over becomes an art form of even “meta” gaming proportions. The story of the corp called ‘The Guiding Hand Social Club’ is one of legend and I am sure you have heard of it. To summarise though, they took on a  contract to ruin a well known isk scammer and owner of a large corporation. Getting involved on a romantic scale outside of the game, gaining trust inside the game, then stealing billions of assests, destroying the ‘marks’ most valuable and rare battleship, pod killing and handing over the frozen corpse to the waiting employer.

DE-VI-OUS :adjective


departing from the most direct way; circuitous; indirect: a devious course.

without definite course; vagrant: a devious current.

departing from the proper or accepted way; roundabout: a devious procedure.

not straightforward; shifty or crooked: a devious scheme to acquire wealth.

LASTLY on this subject, if you are a victim of piracy, scamming, theft, deciet, devious behaviour, plots to ruin your ingame life or anything else that is negative in anyway and does not constitute as a breach of the EULA (ask a GM if unsure). Then please for the love of yours and my own sanity do not post a forum thread whining that things are not fair or that so and so is a douche bag because you will get ZERO sympathy from the EvE community but you will get funny pictures like this.

The Onion critically strikes the awesome bar for over 9000 yet again.


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